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40 Rules for Travel on a Discount Airline
Basic Rules for Air Travel on a Discount Airline------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ OK. I have been bombarded with passengers whojust don't get it... so I feel it's time for a lesson in basic passenger rules. So, gentle reader....read, learn, and apply the following rules and lessons to your next flight experience. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AIR TRAVEL 101 (Basic Rules to Follow When Flying a Discount Airline) 1)DON'T BE LATE -Airlines live and breathe"On Time" and REQUIRE you to be on boardNO LATER THAN TEN MINUTES PRIOR TO DEPARTURE. So don't cut it so close that a delay in security will make you miss your check in. GO EARLY. And just so you know, NO the plane will not"hold" for you. 2)DON'T COME UNPREPARED- We do not have microwave ovens aboard to heat up your baby's bottle, nor do we have refrigerators to keep things cold in. We also do not have closets to hang up your coat, pillows and blankets for your red-eye flight, and a ton of other random needs you will demand us to accomidate.... PLAN ACCORDINGLY ANDPACK WHAT YOU NEED! 3)DON'T EXPECT A MEAL TO BE SERVED -The best you are going to get these days is a small bag of snack pretzels or crackers. The days of the inflight meal are Looooong gone......If you are hungry bring along something to eat!! No discount airline will deny you boarding because the Wendy's bag in your hand takes you over the"One Carryon" limit. 4)BRING A CREDIT / DEBIT CARD- Discount Airlines are moving away from cash purchases onboard for drinks and other items. If you want a cocktail, better bring your card. 5)DON'T TRY TO BOARD INTOXICATED -OK....we've all been there....it's a 4 hour weather delay and you decide to knock a few back at the airport bar while you wait. Thats OK...but as with all things in life, moderation is the key. Airlines are NOT ALLOWED to board an intoxicated passenger. It's a Federal Air Regulation...and F.A.R.'s are like the word of God himself to an airline. There will be no discussion, no negotiation, you will be removed by Police officers and that will be that. So don't be stupid....don't even try it. 6)DON'T BE GREEDY- Do you REALLY need 3 cans of coke, 2 cans of Cranberry juice, 3 cups of coffee, 10 bags of pretzels, and a bottle of water for a 1:15 minute flight? Inflight service is NOT an all-you-can-eat buffet. There are also 116 other passengers who want something too...And please don't pester us for multiple pre-departure drinks in business class...with the short amount of ground time and everything we have to do, sometimes you are lucky if we can get ONE drink to you. 7)DON'T BLOCK THE AISLE DURING BOARDING- with 20 minutes or less to get 117 passengers on the plane, bags stowed, and seated....why would you stand in the aisle for 15 of those minutes folding your coat, digging in your bag for mints and your bottle of water, and a book? While you are taking your good ol sweet time, the 116 other passengers are still standing there and now you will delay the flight. Just SIT...please...get all that AFTER takeoff.... 8)DON'T ASK THE CREW TO STOW YOUR BAGS- This is a common one. We ARE NOT required to lift your bags into the overhead bin. In fact, the airline strongly encourages us NOT to. The risk of us being injured is too high and Workers Compensation DOES NOT cover us if we are. If it's too heavy for you to lift..it's gettin' checked. 9)DON'T BRING 900 POUNDS OF CRAP- The new Federal Rules are ONE...thats ONE....UNO...1...1...1...1....ONE....carryon item and a purse/laptop/shopping bag...etc. So don't argue when we take 3 of your 6 bags of crap and tag them to your destination. 10)DON'T HIDE YOUR BAGS BEHIND YOUR LEGS IN ROW 1- We caught on to that long ago. It's a Federal Regulation...no gettin around it...if it can't go under the seat...it's got to go up! (Or we can check it...<insert evil grin here>...) 11)OVERHEAD BIN SPACE IS NOT ASSIGNED TO YOUR SEAT- I HATE this one....The bin space is first-come first serve, if the bin above your seat is full...FIND ANOTHER ONE!! The bin space is NOT assigned by seat.....Again we are trying to go on time and standing in the aisle complaining because you can't put your bags above you when the bin in front and behind your seat has room is just STUPID. Juststow the damn bag wherever it will fit and SIT DOWN!. 12) STOW YOUR BAGS PROPERLY ON THE FLOOR -his is another Flight Attendant pet peeve...if you have one of your items on the floor MAKE SURE it fits ALL THE WAY under the seat in front of you. Bags CANNOT ride between, beside, or behind your feet. It's another Federal Air Regulation....if we had an emergency evacuation, and the cabin filled with smoke...that bag you have stuffed around your feet will BLOCK YOUR WAY OUT!! Think about it....do you REALLY want ANYTHING to block your way to the exit in an emergency? 13)DON'T ARGUE OR REFUSE TO CHECK YOUR BAG- We really will not argue with you....2 choices, check the bag...or stay behind with it. Pick one..we really don't care which. (If you give it to us voluntarily, we will check it to your choice of destinations....if you get nasty, we will check it toOURchoice of destinations<re-insert evil grin here>) 14) DON'T ASK US TO HANG YOUR GARMENT BAG - Our planes DO NOT have closets! (and...duh...I can't magicallymake one, nor is there a"secret" one hidden somewhere that only we know about) 15)TURN YOUR CELLPHONE OFF- Duh! 16)DON'T GET UP TO USE THE LAV WHILE WE ARE TAXIING -You just sat in the airport 12 feet away from a bathroom for four hours and you pick NOW to go potty? We can't move the plane with you out of your seat on the ground...so now we have to get out of the departure line and pull over to the side so you can pee and wait another 45 minutes till takeoff. Way to go....dumbass. 17)DON'T ASK TO BE SEATED IN BUSINESS CLASS - Unless you are active militaryin uniform...don't bother....not going to happen. If you wanted to upgrade...do it at the gate. 18)DON'T REFUSE TO FOLLOW CREW INSTRUCTIONS -one, it's ILLEGAL...two, WE WILL HAVE YOU REMOVED AND/OR ARRESTED.....no B.S. here..... 19)DON'T BLAME US FOR BAD WEATHER - 'NUFF SAID!! 20) DON'T TELL STUPID JOKES -"I'll have my steak medium rare...ha ha ha...." GOD.....do you really think wehaven'theard this one before? It takes all our control not to slap you every time we hear this..... 21) DON'T POKE, PROD, TAP, OR MAKE PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH YOUR CREW -A simple"Excuse me..." will do nicely thank you. How would you like it if I came up and POKED you in the behind to get your attention? 22)DON'T EVER SIT IN A FLIGHT ATTENDANTS JUMPSEAT -We could hurt you for this....really....we are VERY territorial about this.... 23)YOU ARE NOT AT A RESAURANT -You are on anAIRPLANE...we do not have utensils, ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper, plates, bowls, or anything else. The service we provide is a minimaldrink service to make your ride more pleasant. 24)DON'T STICK YOUR FEET/LEGS/ELBOWS IN THE AISLE -The beverage carts just barely fit down the aisle and weigh well over 400 pounds. it can hurtyou...and it can hurt ME when I trip over your feet backing down the aisle. 25)DON'T MUMBLE WHEN ORDERING DRINKS -We work between two 45,000 lb. thrust jet engines for more than 12 hours a day, every day. Airplanes areloud....speak up a little, please. 26)CONTROL YOUR CHILD -We are not babysitters. YOU are the PARENT...control your children. It is NOT our job or responsibility to correct or babysit your children.... 27)DON'T BELIEVE BABIES CAN BOUNCE OFF OF THE CEILING -why....WHY....WHY...would you snug your seatbelt on tight in turbulence and then proceed to bounce your baby over your head? Or let Junior use the seat next to you as a Trampolene? Don't you see the STUPIDITY of this? 28)DON'T IGNORE THE ANNOUNCEMENTS -Again, nuff' said. 29)WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!!! -Do you honestly think they are there for decoration? You would be shocked and amazed at just how many STUPID people don't wear it. You are not on a bus...you are on an AIRPLANE....THOUSANDS of crews and passengers are injured every year due to turbulence. Just how stupiddo you have to be to have your seatbelt off and wandering around the plane when your flight crew is strapped down tight to their jumpseats??? This one just amazes me every time.... 30)DON'T ASK US STUPID QUESTIONS - ( see examples below....) Q -"What city is that down there?" A -" (looking out window)....Hmmmm...Nope...I just cant read the little signs....don't know...." Q -"How can you be out of Coke with Lime? That's what I want..."A -"Sorry we only carry so much of each item and I can't pull over to get more..." Q -"What do you have?"A -"CokeDietCokeSpriteDietSpriteAppleJuiceOrangeJuiceCranappleJuiceBloodyMaryMixGingerAleClubSodaTonicWaterCoffeeTeaand BottledWater....(yes, we can do this in one breath...we get a lot of practice at it)Q -"I'll take Doctor Pepper or Diet Pepsi"A - (Deep Breath...)"We do not have Doctor Pepper or Pepsi Products. We have Coke Products."Q -"Oh........can I have a Mountain Dew then?" A - (deep inward sigh and sad look at the pathetic moron I am waiting on)"CokeDietCokeSpriteDietSpriteAppleJuiceOrangeJuiceCranappleJuiceBloodyMaryMixGingerAleClubSodaTonicWaterCoffeeTeaandBottledWater." *this next question is a real question I personally had a passenger ask me...no lie....* Q -"How do you open this window?...I need a little fresh air....."A - (Silent dumbstruck stare) Q -"What you serving for lunch?"A -"What did you bring?" Q - (After a few mild bumps of turbulence) "Excuse me...What was that?" A -"The Captain just hit the curb making a turn...." Q -"What state are we in right now?"A -"The state of confusion...." Q -"When do I get my Steak and Eggs?? Ha Ha Ha...."A - (Sad pathetic look with slight shaking of head)"That's a good one...(mumbling under breath) If I only had a dollar for every time I heard that...." 31)DON'T IGNORE THE CREW -You complained about the wait for your drink because we serve back to front, then when we get to you...obviously parking the cart next to you....and ask you 7 times for your drink order before moving on because you can't put your paper down......you have thouroughly givin up your right to be annoyed at not being served 'fast enough' 32)DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT NO WINDOW IN ROW 31 -We didn't build it, or design it, so we can't magically make a window appear where the engine is...next time show up ON TIME and get a better seat assignment! 33)AIRLINES NO LONGER SUPPLY AMENITIES -OK pay attention....we DO NOT, repeat DO NOT have the following items aboard to give you : Playing cards, magazines, newspapers, aspirin, tylenol, tums, pillows, blankets, diapers, earplugs, flavored coffee creamer, fresh lemon or lime, dramamine, safety pins, baby wipes, inflight meals, pens, pencils, crayons, coloring books, power bars, carb-free Atkins approved snacks, red bull, eyemasks, and chewing gum. *and yes, I personally have been asked for each and every one of those things* 34)DON'T COMPLAIN WHEN YOU FLY STANDBY AND ARE REMOVED FROM THE FLIGHT FOR A REVENUE PASSENGER -You CHOOSE to flySTANDBY... just what exactally did you think that 'standby' meant? 35)DO NOT...EVER...HAND CREW TRASH UNLESS WE HAVE A TRASH BAG -WeHATEthis...It truly is one of the top pet peeves...we will walk up and down the aisle 10 bazillion times with a bag asking for trash and the ONE time we walk past you we get"Excuse me...here..." and you drop a dirty diaper, or a half-chewed sandwich, or gum your child just spit out, or napkins you just wiped your baby's vomit up with....do you have ANY CLUE how NASTY AND GROSS that is???? Wait 30 seconds...the plane isn't that big..I'll go get a bag and be right back...really I will...because if I don't you are going to shove it in the seak back pocket for me to find later.....which brings me to, 36)DO NOT...EVER....PUT NASTY GARBAGE IN THE SEAT POCKET -EEwwwwwwww!!Again, Nuff Said. 37)FOR CHRISTSAKE, GIVE UP THE DAMN NEWSPAPER YOU ARE DONE WITH -This is a HUGE annoyance. If you are FINISHED reading it....DO NOT throw it on the floor, shove it between the seat and the wall, stuff it in the seatback pocket...and then look us right in the eye and LIE...."I want to keep it". YOU KNOW you are not and WE KNOW you are not...I will Cuss you out something fierce after you leave and I have to pick up that same damn paper off the floor or pull it out of a seatback pocket. For God Sakes...just GIVE US THE DAMN THING! 38)STAY OUT OF THE GALLEY!!! -OK, service is over and it seems like all 3 flight attendants have dissapeared...we didn't go anywhere you know, we didn't leave...(God if we only could!) If you decide to wander up to the galley and stick your head in.....Be AFRAID...be VERY AFRAID....and don't be suprised at the 3 snarls and bared teeth you encounter because you are now in"our territory"...That tiny 3 X 5 area is the ONLY place on the entire aircraft we can go for a moments peace and quiet and maybe try to grab a quick sandwich. We are on the plane for 12 to 14 hours NON STOP. We do not get meal breaks, nor do we have the oppertunity to even GET OFF the plane...that galley is our oasis, our fortress of solitude, and more importantly OUR WORKSPACE! How would you respond if I came to your office and sat right in the middle of your desk while you were working and start a stupid conversation? PLEASE...show a little respect!! And even more importantly...in the post 9/11 world passengers have NO BUSINESS lingering in the galley or cockpit door areas.... 39)LEAVE US ALONE WHEN WE ARE TRYING TO EAT -Maybe you are not familliar with airline crew scheduling...so here is a quick version...flight crews are only paidwhen the door of the plane is CLOSED!This is VERY IMPORTANT, as we are only tracked for duty time WHEN THE DOOR IS CLOSED. When we are at the gate prepping the flight, pre-flighting the plane and galley, boarding, deplaning, NONE of that time counts toward our"Duty Day". We could very easily be assigned 12 to 14 hours of CONTINOUS"DUTY TIME"WHEN THE DOOR IS CLOSED....the rest of our day, the 6 to 8 hours boarding, deplaning, etc. can make our day sometimes 16 to 22 hoursWITHOUT A BREAK WHATSOEVER.Most, if not all days, the ONLY time we have to stop for a few minutes is DURING THE FLIGHT . So.....if we are cowering on the aft jumpseat, chewing on a stale,soggy tuna sandwich between the potties.....PLEASE...LEAVE US ALONE FOR A FEW MINUTES.....Don't come up and interrupt the precious few minutes we have to eat with stupid conversation or questions... "SO...do you like being a flight attendant?" "Where are we right now?" "Where are you based?" "DO you live in (insert city here)?" You get the point. WAIT a few minutes until we are DONE eating...THEN ask your questions...THEN we will have recovered from our abyssmaly low blood sugar to be pleasant and engage you in conversation. and the final and most important one of all.... 40)IN THE POST 9/11 WORLD WE, ARE YOUR FIRST AND LAST LINE OF DEFENSE - Pay Attention.... REALLY PAY ATTENTION.....this one is deadly serious...no humor here AT ALL...... The Flight Attendants on the planes 9/11 wereMURDEREDso the terrorists could access the cockpit. Their throats were slashed and their bodies were draped over the seats to allow the blood to flow down the aisles. THIS is the image I have in the back of my head EVERY DAY. The threat of terror on an airline is not gone by any means. Every day, on every flightwe are watching for security threats. We are trained now in very harsh air combat techniques....we can and will HURT YOU. This is no joke here people, You forget we are trained to evacuate the plane in 90 seconds, provide emergency medical care, handle bombs, secure the cabin in a rapid descent and depressurization, fight fires, and most importantly SECURITY. WE TAKE EVERYTHING YOU SAY AND DO SERIOUSLY. IF YOU ARE PERCIEVEDIN ANY WAYTO BE A SECURITY RISK/THREAT...WE WILL NOT HESITATE WHATSOEVER TO HAVE YOU REMOVED FROM THE PLANE BY WHATEVER MEANS NESSESARY. Stop for a minute and THINK about that....... The service training is actually the LEAST amout of training we are given. Although the illusion is THAT is our primary function, it is not true....it is SECONDARY to our, true, unseen functions.... We are theFIRST AND LASTline of defense between you and the flight deck. We will NOT allow our passengers to come to harm. Think about that......The person you just called"stewardess" and sneered about not having a meal, poked square in the butt, and complained because you were not served your 3rd scotch on the rocks before departure.... and generallytreated like shitWILL GIVE UP HIS OR HER LIFE TO PROTECT YOU!!! So....... Don't sneak up behind us in the aisle....don't EVER joke about terrorism or bombs aboard...We take EVERYTHING SERIOUSLY.....And above all... SHOW US THE RESPECT WE DESERVE.
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